What We Win - looking at positivity/negativity and winning at life

I made a statement to a friend the other day: "I always win." It was meant to be nothing more than a quip, as I certainly have never seemingly 'won' anything in my life. However, over the next couple of days this retort took on a very new meaning.

Every day I was asked by this friend "so what did you win today." To which we recounted for each other all of the things that could seemingly be 'wins' for us that day...

"I didn't get stuck in the snow"
"I got to spend 6 hours with children making movies"
"I got to help people find awesome books that they will really enjoy"
"I was able to help out a friend in need, and do yoga with them"
"The sun shone down (giving me vitamin D), and the birds were singing to me as I shoveled my driveway for 3 hours this morning!"


It forced me to look at the daily tasks of my life in a new and different way. Instead of getting upset that I ran out of propane when I was in the middle of baking muffins, it became "I was able to go into town and get a free coffee from the a nice man at the gas station."

These little shifts in perspective have made a huge difference in my life, and can make in anyone's who cares to benefit.

I have always been a little bit skeptical of the "think positive and you will be happy" mentality. Having generally had a fairly positive disposition my entire life I often found that it seemed forced, or even fake to just put a smile on your face and turn the heart-wrenchingly difficult situation around.

Because lets face it... some things are simply just negative, painful and wrong. There is no smile that is going to cure it. It will only mask the real issue, and eventually cause more pain. Dealing with these realities and moving on to something more positive seems to be a far more enticing tactic... for me anyways.

 But this seemed like a nice compromise. Something to make your day seem brighter. It is a way to look at something, like shoveling snow for 3 hours, that may not be your favourite thing to do, in a way that makes you feel like you have accomplished something wonderful, and be thankful for that opportunity.

It is a way to look back on your day and be thankful for all the beautiful moments as well, not simply because you had to switch the negatives into the positives, but because you were able to see the small things that may have otherwise passed by, and can appreciate the people, things and world that is right in front of you, instead of focusing on the things or people that "did not" or "have not."

What a world.

What did you win today?

I get to live here..... ;)

Cabin Life#2: Arrival

I have been struggling for a while with writing a post with some meaning behind it. something that shows the true essence of what it is that my life here in the yukon has been like. something different from the mundane everyday occurrences that so often plague the deep spaces of our minds.

When i first arrived in Whitehorse, I was relieved to have finally finished my journey, yet i didn't know that i was just beginning a new one. I didn't take the time to notice the small things around me, to really embrace the change that was about to take over me.

The sun had not yet set. the mountains surrounding the town were a lush green and filled with a magnificent wonder that i would hope to know. rivers and lakes shone in the early evening light bringing with them a question of their depth, and what lay beneath the surface of their beauty. The city came upon me initially as one of the many towns I had since been through. The buildings were placed tightly together in a small central area. Mostly businesses surrounded me, but if you looked closely you could see the tiny remnants of the past that lay between their dark exteriors; each one telling you its story.

As I headed to my destination, anxious to leave the confines of my car and wrap my arms around someone familiar I felt like this city was something unlike I had ever been to. The traffic was moving slower than i had been traveling in the past and I could swear that every car I passed, even though their windshield was cracked, or they had dents from animals in the sides, they were smiling; welcoming me to the town in their own way. Yes, this place was different. I pulled up outside of my friends work and began smiling in spite of the fatigue that I had been experiencing, in spite of everything that the past 5 days had been, and meant.

After we filled our bellies with delicious homemade pizza and local beer my friend and I headed to the place that was to be my new home. Leaving the city center and heading back on the same highway that I entered this place on. It seemed surreal. It was somehow fitting that driving to my new home began a the very place I had exited the highway. The mountains began to surround me completely and I was nervous for this new kind of life. We drove and drove further away from the center, until there were only trees, lakes, and mountains engulfing us like a birds wing around its young. Bringing comfort and silence all at once. We pulled into the long driveway and began the journey even deeper into the woods, passing by fences, with large welcoming gates announcing to everyone the desire to protect from the wilds but to welcome visitors to their homes.

When we first pulled up at the cabin I was immediately hit with how absolutely beautiful it was. Was this really where i was to be living. A place so remote, so quiet, so far from everything. I was filled with relief, wonder and absolute fear all at the same time. The four walled one room cabin is made of logs, with nick-nacks of the previous residents strewn all about, both visible and not. The elk antlers spoke of the wild that surrounded the place, pieces of wood strewn about the property showed the hard work that was required through the long winters to keep warm, to keep alive, a room with only the basic necessities available spoke of a more simple life that so many before me had strived to live. the smoke from the chimney filled the air and i shuffled my feet entering the cabin, holding on to just this one moment. My heart began to race and the wind picked up in the trees around me, and they whispered the secrets of the other people who had come to this special place. It was a place where you would be isolated, completely alone with just yourself, and that... is absolutely wonderful.

This is my good side

first i have to say, this is something based on personal observation and is in no way directed towards ALL  of Korean people. only towards a part of its culture that i strive to understand. 

In Korea I have been subject to a lot of things that are different and strange because of the change in culture. The biggest one that i have encountered that becomes more and more evident to me as time passes is this idea of saving face. This means that you must always put your best face forward. Well on the outside this seems like a great idea, always show the best part of you, it extended into the whole being of Korea. the very essence of Korean culture is riddled with this idea of never showing anything that may display a weakness or an ounce of thought beyond what is told to you.

This phenomenon does not only occur in a business setting also on a social and romantic level. Korean people are trained to think that they must never show a weak side. If you display any kind of mental instability you are considered an outcast. As a woman if you express to your feelings of concern about your life or any problems you may have towards your mate, you would be considered weak minded and would be chided against. There are very rare cases of anyone going to see a therapist for stress related illnesses, and most times these people do it in secret; in order to save face. I cannot understand this thinking.

So, what we get is a society who are all afraid of each other. And no one is more to fear than the one that is higher in position, age or business status than you. Although I feel a certain amount of respect is due; and I find it cute when the young boys don't even think twice to help an old lady cross a street, or find their seat on the train when they cant see the ticket themselves; its the entitlement to this respect that gets me. If you see an ajjuma (an older grandmother- usually stooped over wearing some type of crazy mismatched outfit) coming towards you, you sure as hell better get out of the way or you may end up with an elbow in the face, or laying flat on the ground. No one would dare to stop her from cutting in the line you've been waiting in for 25 minutes, because that would simply be rude. But... i guess my western mind thinks, "how is someone cutting in line just because they feel entitled not rude?" The other day I was waiting to buy a train ticket, and the wait was rather long. In front of me was a middle aged woman who actually worked at one of the many stores in the station. behind me was a woman who was a bit older than her, a grandmother in her own right, and ajjuma. Now the closer we got to the front, the closer then woman behind me got to having her face in my butt (note: the aforementioned bend over-ness of ajjumas) and i was not relenting. Although this may make me a rude ignorant westerner, i just could not see what would be positive about keeping in how i feel about this particular situation. The woman in front of me, clearly sensing what was happening, gave me a small smile and a twinkle in her eye re-enforced the idea, to me, that I WAS ENTITLED to my spot in line. When the woman left to go get her ticket i felt the ajjuma slowly creeping up behind me even closer. I knew as soon as the next ticket agent was ready she would make a dash past me for it. I wondered to myself why she was actually doing this, and if i could possibly be overreacting. Was she doing this to me because i was a westerner? she surely didn't try to get in front of any of the other waiting Native people? or was it because she is older than me, and thus, in the Korean world, could do whatever she wants and no one would say a word? or was it simply because she had to get somewhere in a hurry?
When the next ticket agent became available i walked in that direction only to be almost herded down by this woman to beat me to the spot. I looked at the ticket agent in shock and he looked back at me with a slightly apolgetic look, but served the ajjuma before me.

This seemingly small encounter with a woman like this, happens almost every single time I exit my little hole in the wall apt. and is not an unknown phenomena amongst foreigners and natives alike. ( we were warned this would happen, by a Korean man, at our orientation at the beginning of our stay) But where does this entitlement come from?? and how has it been festered and nurtured. Koreans are scared. They are scared of EVERYTHING that might make them feel anything but placid. When they begin to feel as though they themselves do not like something, or they are overjoyed with something, or they are being treated unfairly etc etc... they feel as though this is wrong. its wrong to feel because then you aren't putting the best face forward. and we must show to the world our best face. It seems to me that Korea feels as though they need to prove they are the best. that their pop stars are the most beautiful, that their men are strong and handsome, that they do NOT cry, that their women are tough nurtures, that they do not have STD's and that all of their husbands are neverendingly loyal. It's as though if they want to feel, they must lock themselves in a room. All of my co-teachers are constantly telling me how much stress they have, but they also say they must never show it. I think they feel comfortable telling me because i speak English, and would never reveal their secret to the other Korean co-workers. I have met at least 4 people who have had family members or close friends commit suicide. Its no wonder the suicide rate in korea is almost as high as the birth rate (haha, joke... at the expense of the birth rate in korea- which is the lowest in the world). I also met a young boy the other day who is in my school who apparently tried to shove himself off. he came to me with bandages all over his arm and showed me the cuts he had made. This really worries me, considering the child is in Grade 4. Its quite sad that someone so young would consider something so drastic, and that its such a normal thing for koreans to hear about, that its no longer shocking to them.

So it seems to me, that after years of saving face, and hiding what you want, and what you think, that these ajjumas have finally had enough, and THEY become the ones that the others must fear, they are the ones with the entitlement, and, hell, if i had waited 50 years to be able to say something when i feel it, id be taking it for all it was worth too. 

The I guess the idea of saving face is that you must never show weakness. I was told last week that there is a young girl in my school who has left to go to the hospital. my first thought was that something physical had happened to her. It was then explained to me that during the last period in class, the girl began to cry. You see, the girl has been brought up by her 85 year old grandmother. she is just 14 years old. Now, i don't know about you, but if you think of the overbearing screaming woman i described earlier bringing up a little girl; the girl might have some problems. The teacher explained to me that the grandmother never allowed the girl to speak when she was in the home. And that she had frequently tried to tell this to her friends, but they soon weren't her friends anymore, because this is simply not something that is discussed. i was told "you do not talk about your family or your feelings with anyone." Hmmm... a young 14 year old girl living with an 87 year old woman, and she isn't allowed to talk. I have taught this young girl for almost a year now, and have always noticed her. always alone, soft spoken, kind of tiny and raggedy looking and very smart.  I was told she would be entering a 'brain hospital' where she would be examined for the next couple of months. all because she started to cry in class!!! DID ANYONE THINK TO ASK HER WHAT WAS WONG?! I do not know the answer to this, but i was simply shocked by the idea of a young 14 year old girl with hormones a- raging would be sent away for crying.to a mental hospital at that! Now this isn't to say i know everything about this girl, only the information provided to me, but i think the girl simply needed someone to talk to. someone to show that they give a damn about what she thinks, feels, and wants out of her life. Why must everything be so regimented.

I have no end to this rant as it is an ongoing battle i have within myself and the korean culture.  I try to understand it from their point of view, and i try to not feel this sense of entitlement myself... but i just don't like getting pushed around.