Higher Learning

It's Friday, and every Friday is greeted with a very big TGIF! This Friday in particular is a welcome one. This week has been full of ups and downs.

The sun has come out a few times, and I have allowed myself to travel down memory lane as I take my 35 minute walk to and from school each day. For a semester in University a friend and i dedicated our lives to seeing as many Sam Roberts shows as humanly possible. - I think in the end the count for me was 12 in two months? total tally now is about 30... (loser. haha)-  anyways, i dusted off the old MP3 that hasn't been played for a while and found comfort in his lyrics, and happiness in the memories that came along with each word that he said.  On one particularly horrible afternoon, I walked away from the school with a heavy heart and dawdled my feet in the dusty playground gravel towards the gate of the school. As I approached the gate I stopped to lean on the brick block and grab my iPod from my pocket, and watched as the other teachers zoomed past me in their cars; splashing the remnants of the leftover rain onto my coat. As I started my journey home I brightened up as Sam began crooning in my ears. Within moments I was smiling and enjoying the beauty around me. But there was something different, something in the way his words hit me this day brought a completely different meaning to me:  "mass appeal with a solitude spin."   Now having been obsessed with this first album, I have listened to it many times- but never did this particular lyric hit me as hard as it did this day. this is EXACTLY what its like to be an expat in Korea- especially if you live in a small town. But also if you live in a city- I live in a small town so im going to talk about it from this viewpoint a bit more implicitly- but im sure it could effect everyone equally.

Lets look at the first part "mass appeal..."
When you enter your school for the first time, the children treat you as a celebrity. or so I've heard.... this wasn't the case for me in the beginning- i found my students were bored, and even frightened of me. Most of them bowing in respect to me as I walked down the hallway to lunch  but generally cowering out of my way. This has recently changed for me- my students now all high-five me, chase me down the street after school, follow me into stores and buy me chocolates. It's all really nice, and it makes me smile. One of the charms of living in a small town is that the ONLY children i see- are the ones that i teach- and since i teach all of the grades at all of the schools- ALL of them know me. Its a pretty interesting feeling; and sometimes I find myself smiling the whole way home when this happens. I stand out to them as someone they admire- simply because I come from another country- its this standing out that creates the confusion between the two worlds...
The other type of appeal comes from the very basic idea that when you move to korea you will be adopting a new culture, a new life, and making pretty good money while doing it. The appeal to come to Korea, in the beginning was just that; a place to make money to pay off my loans- and have a cultural experience, all in the while living abroad. Which lets face it, a lot of people would like to do, and i have heard it countless times- the idea of living abroad is so fantastic, you would have a hard time finding someone who doesn't enjoy at least the thought of doing it. 

on the other hand "... with a solitude spin" is really where the largest amount of emphasis can be placed.
Being in a foreign country, away from your family, and loved ones and immersed in a completely different culture can be really difficult. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining- I'm the one who choose to come to Korea- and I really enjoy getting to know different cultures, meet new people and travel- its my passion. But being an expat makes you stand out- and this, as they say, can be really lonely. I don't like the compare myself to that of a celebrity- but here you go. You know how they say "its lonely at the top" I now totally, and completely understand this. I am surrounded by people wanting to talk to me, wanting to look at me, and say hello- but at the end of the day- I go home to an empty apartment and wonder- "where have all the good people gone." (ha-sorry another Sam Roberts tune) As I continue my time here as an expat I am constantly considering this, and how it effects the lives of myself and others.

Right now, I am unable to communicate on a deeper level than basic necessity to anyone around me. There is no deeper meaning behind our communication but what we must say to get by. I will fade in and out of their lives as a fond memory- much like Sam Roberts himself will be one day for me- a good story: "remember when we saw that foreign girl..." Indulging in small talk so that they can get their fill of the celebrity; "the solitude spin." I recently had a brief chat about the importance of deep conversation in a persons life (ironic I know)- and how this related to happiness- as opposed to brief encounters. The study showed that on average people who engage in deep conversation more often than simple small talk, generally had a better disposition and were less apt to be depressed than those who rarely to never had deep conversations.

When all you get are brief encounters, things can begin to get a little slippery, but when we allow ourselves to see the beauty of this and relish in its importance in our lives,  I can begin to understand just a little bit more- how we can change the feelings of loneliness into feelings of solitude and peace. For happiness is not something that finds you, its the consequence of a great personal effort.

"time is a slippery fish... but we will rise like a phoenix from the ashes"