This is my good side

first i have to say, this is something based on personal observation and is in no way directed towards ALL  of Korean people. only towards a part of its culture that i strive to understand. 

In Korea I have been subject to a lot of things that are different and strange because of the change in culture. The biggest one that i have encountered that becomes more and more evident to me as time passes is this idea of saving face. This means that you must always put your best face forward. Well on the outside this seems like a great idea, always show the best part of you, it extended into the whole being of Korea. the very essence of Korean culture is riddled with this idea of never showing anything that may display a weakness or an ounce of thought beyond what is told to you.

This phenomenon does not only occur in a business setting also on a social and romantic level. Korean people are trained to think that they must never show a weak side. If you display any kind of mental instability you are considered an outcast. As a woman if you express to your feelings of concern about your life or any problems you may have towards your mate, you would be considered weak minded and would be chided against. There are very rare cases of anyone going to see a therapist for stress related illnesses, and most times these people do it in secret; in order to save face. I cannot understand this thinking.

So, what we get is a society who are all afraid of each other. And no one is more to fear than the one that is higher in position, age or business status than you. Although I feel a certain amount of respect is due; and I find it cute when the young boys don't even think twice to help an old lady cross a street, or find their seat on the train when they cant see the ticket themselves; its the entitlement to this respect that gets me. If you see an ajjuma (an older grandmother- usually stooped over wearing some type of crazy mismatched outfit) coming towards you, you sure as hell better get out of the way or you may end up with an elbow in the face, or laying flat on the ground. No one would dare to stop her from cutting in the line you've been waiting in for 25 minutes, because that would simply be rude. But... i guess my western mind thinks, "how is someone cutting in line just because they feel entitled not rude?" The other day I was waiting to buy a train ticket, and the wait was rather long. In front of me was a middle aged woman who actually worked at one of the many stores in the station. behind me was a woman who was a bit older than her, a grandmother in her own right, and ajjuma. Now the closer we got to the front, the closer then woman behind me got to having her face in my butt (note: the aforementioned bend over-ness of ajjumas) and i was not relenting. Although this may make me a rude ignorant westerner, i just could not see what would be positive about keeping in how i feel about this particular situation. The woman in front of me, clearly sensing what was happening, gave me a small smile and a twinkle in her eye re-enforced the idea, to me, that I WAS ENTITLED to my spot in line. When the woman left to go get her ticket i felt the ajjuma slowly creeping up behind me even closer. I knew as soon as the next ticket agent was ready she would make a dash past me for it. I wondered to myself why she was actually doing this, and if i could possibly be overreacting. Was she doing this to me because i was a westerner? she surely didn't try to get in front of any of the other waiting Native people? or was it because she is older than me, and thus, in the Korean world, could do whatever she wants and no one would say a word? or was it simply because she had to get somewhere in a hurry?
When the next ticket agent became available i walked in that direction only to be almost herded down by this woman to beat me to the spot. I looked at the ticket agent in shock and he looked back at me with a slightly apolgetic look, but served the ajjuma before me.

This seemingly small encounter with a woman like this, happens almost every single time I exit my little hole in the wall apt. and is not an unknown phenomena amongst foreigners and natives alike. ( we were warned this would happen, by a Korean man, at our orientation at the beginning of our stay) But where does this entitlement come from?? and how has it been festered and nurtured. Koreans are scared. They are scared of EVERYTHING that might make them feel anything but placid. When they begin to feel as though they themselves do not like something, or they are overjoyed with something, or they are being treated unfairly etc etc... they feel as though this is wrong. its wrong to feel because then you aren't putting the best face forward. and we must show to the world our best face. It seems to me that Korea feels as though they need to prove they are the best. that their pop stars are the most beautiful, that their men are strong and handsome, that they do NOT cry, that their women are tough nurtures, that they do not have STD's and that all of their husbands are neverendingly loyal. It's as though if they want to feel, they must lock themselves in a room. All of my co-teachers are constantly telling me how much stress they have, but they also say they must never show it. I think they feel comfortable telling me because i speak English, and would never reveal their secret to the other Korean co-workers. I have met at least 4 people who have had family members or close friends commit suicide. Its no wonder the suicide rate in korea is almost as high as the birth rate (haha, joke... at the expense of the birth rate in korea- which is the lowest in the world). I also met a young boy the other day who is in my school who apparently tried to shove himself off. he came to me with bandages all over his arm and showed me the cuts he had made. This really worries me, considering the child is in Grade 4. Its quite sad that someone so young would consider something so drastic, and that its such a normal thing for koreans to hear about, that its no longer shocking to them.

So it seems to me, that after years of saving face, and hiding what you want, and what you think, that these ajjumas have finally had enough, and THEY become the ones that the others must fear, they are the ones with the entitlement, and, hell, if i had waited 50 years to be able to say something when i feel it, id be taking it for all it was worth too. 

The I guess the idea of saving face is that you must never show weakness. I was told last week that there is a young girl in my school who has left to go to the hospital. my first thought was that something physical had happened to her. It was then explained to me that during the last period in class, the girl began to cry. You see, the girl has been brought up by her 85 year old grandmother. she is just 14 years old. Now, i don't know about you, but if you think of the overbearing screaming woman i described earlier bringing up a little girl; the girl might have some problems. The teacher explained to me that the grandmother never allowed the girl to speak when she was in the home. And that she had frequently tried to tell this to her friends, but they soon weren't her friends anymore, because this is simply not something that is discussed. i was told "you do not talk about your family or your feelings with anyone." Hmmm... a young 14 year old girl living with an 87 year old woman, and she isn't allowed to talk. I have taught this young girl for almost a year now, and have always noticed her. always alone, soft spoken, kind of tiny and raggedy looking and very smart.  I was told she would be entering a 'brain hospital' where she would be examined for the next couple of months. all because she started to cry in class!!! DID ANYONE THINK TO ASK HER WHAT WAS WONG?! I do not know the answer to this, but i was simply shocked by the idea of a young 14 year old girl with hormones a- raging would be sent away for crying.to a mental hospital at that! Now this isn't to say i know everything about this girl, only the information provided to me, but i think the girl simply needed someone to talk to. someone to show that they give a damn about what she thinks, feels, and wants out of her life. Why must everything be so regimented.

I have no end to this rant as it is an ongoing battle i have within myself and the korean culture.  I try to understand it from their point of view, and i try to not feel this sense of entitlement myself... but i just don't like getting pushed around.